When Everythings Made To Be Broken, I Just Want You To Know Who I Am

2003-12-18T21:52:00.000-05:00

grr i got a new blog cuz this one is a douche

http://www.dearloneliness.blogdrive.com

2003-12-13T22:49:00.000-05:00

wow lol im a really zoney person. i just stared at this blank screen for like 10 min. so i was sick all day, and it really upset me cuz i had alot of plans like oging to the shows and hanging out with lacey. but of course i had to be deadly sick. i did get to talk to ben all day. and that made me incredibly happy. *mwah* ben u r sooo sweet. my dog just winked at me lol. lovely. joh came over today and we chilled, he thought he could fix my guitar but HA. i told him it was really broke. its ok though. thats all i have to write about.

2003-12-12T23:52:00.000-05:00
haven't wrote in here forever like usual lol. well i have met my dream man, via webcam and telephone. hes a fag and has to be in the air force though lol. ;) just joking ben. ur the shit. i think i would actually marry him... guys u know how amaizng that is for me to say that. well not much has been going on, im sick as shit and i am eating tomato sauce, and yes that means my throat swells lol. scott ur a dumb shit for running into a snow bank.. who does that anyway :) ok so it has taken me an hour to get this far. i would just like to say. that troy... i can't wait to see ur hair and well laughi n ur face lol. and tim.. thats all. and BENNNNNN i just wanted to say, u r soo sexy and i can't wait till u get out of that fuckin air force to come cuddle with me! u r an amazing guy, hehehe i love you ben. L is for the way u look at me, O is for the only one i see, V is very very extraordinary, E is even more than anyone that you adore.. *MWAH*
keep it real home dawg... and keep that monster content

2003-12-05T22:35:00.000-05:00
Haha msn is being a shit. keeps signing me out and shit, so i can't talk on there right now :(. we got lots and lots of snow. and i have never seen my step dad soo happy, cuz he got to use the snowblower.. and for some odd reason, pry one i dont' wanna know.. he loves that thing. our cat is in massive heat. lacey i know u love to know that considering u like to play with my cat when it likes to hump you. so far it has attacked everyone in this house, but me.. im scared to sleep tonite lol. im allowing jess and ryan to sleep in my bed tonite and im sleeping downstairs... cuz im nice like that. actually my room is fuckin cold tonite, so im just telling them im being nice when really i just want the couch. i can't wait for the show tommorow. its gonna be amazing. ewww my family is lame. i have a car, no license.. so basically im shit out of luck for a ride anywhere lol. dude today i got checked out by a rentway man, and a retard blew me a kiss. literally retarded man.. joey. i went home early cuz my uterus is a bitch and likes to shed its,stuff, really painfully. but the time i was in school i had alot of fun. i got to walk over to the votech with alex.. hes very hot. i told him i wanted to hump him, and he seemed pretty cool with that lol. my mom was stupid and bought me a really awesome jacket that has fur on it that looks like my chinchilla lol. kiki will forever hate me.. oh yes. so back to my day. so i got to see alex... mmm.. and then i got to go to marketing lol where we went on a field trip.. i love my marketing buddies. we got to ride in the big orange van on the way there, it was cool. had a weird odor. but it was cool. there they gave us as much coffee as we wanted adn by the end of that we were all literally spazzing out. so we decided it was mrs smocks turn to deal wtih us lol. so we annoyed her the whole time on the way back and mike and the rest of the tards waved at the stupid people who wake up before 11 when they don't even have to? i mean who does that anyway? ahh im psyched about this show tommorow. maybe i can drag alex into going with me..

2003-12-03T19:20:00.000-05:00
today was a pretty cool day. you know what i realized. i realized that it makes me feel really good when tom dempsey(sorry bout spelling that wrong tom) tells me im sexy and how beautiful i am. cuz i sometimes i doubt myself.. me and destany are just chillin eating rice and listening to ac/dc. p-nut u are amazing guy. hopefully sometime i can look in ur eyes and see what u see in me.. cuz last time i had teary eyes from someone lol. *TACKLE HUG* man guys im raggin it, and my belly is soo cramped up i could scream. i decided that i am actually happy today.. which is rare lately. maybe its cuz i finally started my period and pmsing blows. dude marketing blows cuz these two kids like make out in the display cases and its just sad lol. OUCHHHHHH cat just attacked my ass! i felt bad for lacey today cuz her face hurts.. i know it kills us too but it was hurting her too lol. oopsy i just remembered that i have bunnies lol. that blows. they just might be dead by now. KImmy got yelled at today hahaha kimmy. loser CHRISTMAS SHOWS ARE ON AND IM MISSING THEM. im outta here

2003-12-02T19:07:00.000-05:00
ok so troy says i shoudl write something positive. so here i am laughing my ass off with stephanie, remembering our good old friend nates wonderful fall. lol so we were all sitting in the hot tub. well steph and nate and lacey were all wrestling around while me and tim just sat there staring at each other, wondering when it would end. and steph splashed nate in the face.. harsh i know lol. and nate "stomps" out of a hot tub .. which is hard enough u know since its water... but it i forget to mention that it had been snowing since we got there and the snow and the water we splashed out had made a lovely falling place for nate. so he gets to the second step and all u here is AGHJFKDHJfkhjkajhfkj. *nate noise* and nate casually gets up and stomps up to his room. then when he finally decided to come in, he said he fell on purpose "who randomly falls anyway" lol . i love christmas songs. they are soo happy and full of cheer. today i made ramon noodles and ate them with pete while stephanie the whore fell out of my computer chair 60 times. steph says i finally have some color back in my face. that could be cuz i was hanging upside down trying to fix the tree, but u know... whatever. lol im happy just knowing she thinks im happy lol. when i actually am slightly happy. troy and i talked a few things out, though we really haven't talked since he woke up. wow, i zoned for a min thinking about the christmas song in the background. stupid destany lost her hanson christmas cd. hahahahahahahahahahaha now i keep remembering nates falling. mmm me and steph are both pms'ing so u can imagine the love for chocolate in this room right now. lol

2003-12-02T12:32:00.000-05:00
i love this song... mad world. its amazing. im feeling alittle better. im happy i didn't go to school cuz im just not in the mood to deal with people. my mom was sweet and let me put up the christmas tree, which makes me alot happier. its snowing too and its looks so beautiful. i look horrible, my eyes are so swelled and red. i keep having such bad dreams when i do finally fall asleep. last nite i had a dream iraq took over and those bastards stuck us in lines and killed us! this song makes me way too emotional "hows it gonna be" the words just fit soo well with the way i felt as me and troy argued about everything
I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore,
Before you take a swing, I wonder what are we fighting for,
When I say out loud, I want to get out of this, I wonder,
Is there anything I'm going to miss, I wonder
How's it going to be, When you don't know me,
How's it going to be, When you're sure I'm not there,
How's it going to be, When there is no one there to talk to,
Between you and me, 'Cause I don't care,
How's it going to be,
How's it going to be,

Where we used to laugh, There's a shouting match,
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch,
A silence I can't ignore,
Like . . The hammock by the doorway we spent time in, Swing empty,
don't see lightning like last fall when it was always about to hit me, I wonder

How's it going to be, When it goes down,
How's it going to be, When you're not around,
How's it going to be, When you find out there was nothing,
Between you and me, 'Cause I don't care,
How's it going to be,

How's it going to be
When you don't know me, any more
And How's it going to be

Want to get myself back in again,
The soft dive of oblivion.
Want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion, oblivion

im so confused.. troy i still love you

2003-12-01T14:31:00.000-05:00
im not happy... at all. which isn't surprising, its normal for the world to take a big shit on me. i feel like screaming at anything and everything and making my mind diferent. i hate everything about my mind.. i care too much or i dont' care at all. theres no in between. im either down or completely happy. And now i feel like i have once again dragged troy into this shit that i go through. like he wants to know what i do when im angry. or why im the way i am. i feel like hes slipping away cuz of me.. and only me. im such a bitch and push him away. im too jealous.. yea him and jill were rolling around having a snowball fight but thats not reason to be jealous... only i was. grr.i mean come on! im crazy. im not pretty enough to find someone that isn't gonna be all closed up and hate me! yea troy maybe u haven't got any from me, but i dont' wannna give any to you right now. i don't love myself how can someone love me? why isn't kisses enough right now? i can break away from a kiss, but anymore then that and im attached. i don't want to depend on troy. i don't want to cry myself to sleep if he doesn't say he loves me.and most of all i dont' wanna doubt that he wants to be with me. AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhAHHHHHHHhh life blows

2003-11-24T21:16:00.000-05:00

Your Heart is Grey

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-11-24T21:05:00.000-05:00

Your: Wondering eyes. Your not quite focused and
your quite the day dreamer. Your a bit odd and
as many say "Your head is in the
clouds."

What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-11-24T21:00:00.000-05:00

Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone.

"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face."

The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.

As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-11-23T21:38:00.000-05:00
this weekend was awesome. lets see friday lacey came over, and we chilled for a while and ryan and jess came over... hmm then troy came over. and i had alot of fun. saturday i think lacey and i were incredibly bored.. yeppw e were, and we went to sleep at like 9 lol. how lame is that. then today i realized hey i just might want to dye my hair black, so here i am with jet black hair and pale ass skin lol. but thats life. now everyone tells me they loved my blonde hair.. amazing.. i hated it with a passion. I love troy. he is amazing. troy... *hunny u r my shining star, don't u go away* lol i actually sang that as i typed. shows my loserness. damn it smells like cat piss in here. my ears hurt soo bad.

2003-11-21T21:58:00.000-05:00
ew i just totally coughed adn it tasted like blood.. real healthy. hmm troy boy just left.. i guess i had a good time. i hope this hole in ym face doesn't scar... i want mcdonalds.

2003-11-20T21:51:00.000-05:00
oh damn guess who is horny.. yepp me . lol this mission to get everything i need for my guitar is never ending.. sometimes i feel like just throwing the guitar into a wall, going over to staples... buy a mic and just make guitar noises with my mouth.. cuz damn it, it would save me tons! AHHHHHHHH i love troy, to the moon and back hahahaha i just burped soo fuckin loud! lets see... to everyone who knows about the red candle that refuses to burn.. it reignites itself now.. lol. oh damn im tired.. troy sleeps too much... he is always sleepingg! isn't that crazy. i have the amazing ability to stare for 20 min at absolutly nothing and be completely content .but then other times i can't sit for 2 sec. wow i just realized i have a bit of an obsession with the number 2 right now. *yawning* im actually so bored i could sleep i think. i found a tv show i can actually watch... tru calling. its amazing! and then i also found a show i laughed at incredibly.... so what are the requirements in wicca to make someone freeze.. cuz damn charmed seems to do it alot.. i think i despise that show. lemme check, yup i do. i defiantly need to stop clicking lol i click way toooo much. Troy... see i wrote about u, cuz i love you hun. and if u were here rightnow i would hump you... alot

2003-11-20T16:52:00.000-05:00
my mom is being dumb. she doesn't think that casual sex is ok.... but i think its fine. god gave me a vagina, and im to use it. im bored. my om is standing here reading this, and she is ashamed in me.. but i have raging hormones... and i can't help it... shes being sooo retarded.... yea, lacey is beautiful

2003-11-15T11:07:00.000-05:00
i haven't wrote for a while so ill update on my week..
yea it was boring
lol thats all about my week. Yesterday was cool Rachel came over and we just chilled. i just now realized i have a fuckin cat farm here lol. 6 kitty's. I hate cats lol. im listening to michelle branch lol. Im soo tired and im supposed to call troy soon or something. Poor cat, it has had difficultys ever since it inhaled that liquid air freshner. lol. Theres no more snow... and it makes me kinda happy, cuz its soo miserable when there is snow! everything looks sooo muddy and nasty when it melts though. I wrote 2 more songs lol but im not putting them on here. u will just have to wait till taken cadences next show to hear em

2003-11-11T12:50:00.000-05:00
i know its hard to keep going when u spend ur day staring at the flickering light bulbs and then find urself left with nothing but a burned out lightbulb and a blank stare.
I find it hard to cope when i lay out every word dieing in my mind only to watch it burn right in front of my face.
And i keep screaming at nothing but walls and waiting for them to whisper a silent reply, and maybe offer a hug to comfort some little piece of me thats dieing for affection.
or maybe its attention i crave, just knowing that somebody with a blurry mind can look at me sanely.
I've been left standing with smudged eyeliner and an empty suitcase full of tears waiting for some trip called love to pick me up and drive right over a cliff.
but i still grab on sooo tight, like its worth something, like im something more then a body with a vagina. maybe a body with heart...
And i get sooo wrapped up in finding something, that i actually think that a piece of red muscle called the heart actuallly has feeling, when its soul purpose is to keep me alive, though most of the time it breaks me and leaves me screaming out for something.
My minds a crazy fuckin thing, a place for words to fall into and then sit there for years just trying to find their way out, trying to find their sanity
I find myself laughing at the things we shed tears for, and crying for what should heal, cuz i know neither. pain nor love. those extremes have been meant, but my mind shoos them away..
oh wait i think i may have found one thing, but hes just waiting for me to loosen the chain and run away along wtih of course my heart.
a guilty conscious is what im here with, knowing that i drag every man in, letting them think that i wont' love them, that i won't only spend every second thinking about how much i hate myself for thinking a thought such as "hey they might actually love you".
When im alone i hear someone screaming they need me, and im still searching for the person, that person needs me, and not me needing them. So again i spit out every random phrase that whispers faintly in my mind, maybe the voice will find me, then i will walk alone but sanely together with my mind and heart put back gently in place by a made up character, to rescue me from the pain and screw in a new light bulb.

2003-11-09T20:31:00.000-05:00
this weekend was awesome. Friday i went to the awesome show at the uu, and i go to hang out with troy boy. but i had massive cramps so i really didn't get into the bands that much.*burp* then saturday was alex's birthday so troy and alex came over and we had brownies and laid around and watched tv. thats pretty much all we did other then look at the moon which was defiantly awesome. Overall it was a whole lot of fun. Then today lacey and i went over to kats house for a band practice, but see we didn't practice cuz we all didn't feel like it, plus we had some issues we had to talk through.Troy is lame online, i think he needs to smash his face into the computer screen and WAKE UPPPPPPPPPPP TROYYYY ...YOUR BEING BORING ASSNUTtoday tom got mad at me.. something about brandy.. hmmm
whatever.

2003-11-06T22:05:00.000-05:00
*cat in my pants*

troy is beautiful. i watched tru calling today and started crying cuz her true love died :( and i was soo damn sad. then i laughed . *hiccup* im a hot cat.

TRoy is my hot lova

2003-11-05T13:05:00.000-05:00
I think im gonna go drive the 4 wheeler again. woohoo that would be some good fun. Man im bored out of my freakin mind! i think im gonna throw up with boredom. i haev some money so as soon as i find someone who likes chinese I WANT CHINESE FOOD! Ahhh

2003-11-04T20:52:00.000-05:00
dude i think everyone should defiantly know how retarded my family is.
well my youngest sister finds it absolutely hilarious to hit our tiny jack russel drugged out on prozac with her "going to grandmas" suitcase. What a sweet gurl. Then destany the genius little shit she is slammed our 4 wheeler into my moms just painted car lol and left 2 lovely holes in it. lol. i find this absolutely hilarious cuz my whole family is cracked out, specially that lacey girl. Dang she is crazy. today me and her were running down the hall to beat mike rich upstairs, and i tried to stop before the end of the hall and i didn't... and slammed into the wall right beside a classroom full of computer kids lol. today i drove the 4 wheeler into a patch of trees lol and thorn bushes, so i got cut up on my arms :( . Dude alex is pissing me off, i love rachel but god damn, he needs to just shut up about her. and stop talking to her to lacey, hello if he didn't realize lacey didn't enjoy him ignoring her. i got her back man, no one messes with my lacey. You know whos hot. Troy. i love my troy boy. dude, we have 6 cats, 3 of which run outside and roll in the leaves filled with fleas... well guess whos house is now infested. yepp thats right mine. WAHHHH troyyy get online u douche bag. my cat thinks its gonna get outside, but guess what, its defiantly not going to. i broke my thumb again, but u know what fuck it im not putting a brace on it, it can kiss my lovely ass.total eclipse on saturday nite guys! who thinks we should have a party at my dads, oooo ooo me !

2003-11-03T21:42:00.000-05:00
Today im at my dads. School was pretty COOL. kimmy thanks a bunch for kicking my stool out from under me, that really helped my ass. lol. the rest of the day was boring aside from hearing the cable guy have a very relaxed conversation with my family, like they had been best friends for years. lol good times.

lol lacey and i have been really odd lately. Mrs smock thinks i sniff the marker wipes lol. and she thinks lacey and i are massively stoned and weird all day. lol

2003-11-02T21:49:00.000-05:00
dude i think i have mono again. i have been sleeping an extreme amount! i just woke up again... and i was already sleepign earlier, and damn it i can't stay awake. oh well troy has mono too lol. Well looks like i don't have to worry bout giving it to him :). hehe so this weekend was cool.Yesterday troy boy came over and so did nate. It was alot of fun, cuz man i love troy. hes awesome, and hes hot lol. Thats always a definant plus. Then he had to leave :( *sniffle* i was sad. but then tim came over with chestnuts lol and we named tims pee pee "little lamb" if he ever asks if u want lamb milk just say no. haha anyway, that was fun, sorry i fell asleep tim, i always have that problem when im tired. Im listening to the get up kids. They make me feel EXCELLENT. "..... UR STILL ALL THAT MATTERSSSSS TO ME". wow, what a change "i hate everything" just came on lol. dude, im so freakin tired. still. ben the retard was supposed to show up, but whatever i don't need stupid him lol. Blah i hate relationships. thats why i try to steer clear of them. but i think at some point here im gonna want something, what if im blowing off every chance i have had to be with someone perfect for me... scary thought. *slaps self* stupid stupid me, someone perfect for me hahahah what a joke. i re broke my thumb today. i didn't do much at all today, i slept and when i finally owke up it was nearly dark so i went out and rode the 4 wheeler around for an hour or two. then i came inside ate and slept again. im doing good at this sleeping thing. i had to move my bed guys, from the cool place it was, cuz there were little orange flying bugs attacking me as i slept, cuz some people dont' know how to SHUT MY WINDOW. *cough* lacey. TROY BOY IS A HOTTIE.
* u stop me with your brown eyes , i just don't know what to do, i should just face the facts i have a crush on u, i wanna take u away and find the right things to say, and make u feel the same, and make u scream my NAME*

2003-10-31T14:05:00.000-05:00
Sahmain was awesome everything went ok i guess. WOOHOO I LOVE THOSE GIRLS. Nate is soo greek.

2003-10-28T21:08:00.000-05:00
alot is on my mind right now only im not sure how im gonna get this all out .
I really can't deal with girls. ok a few of them are cool, but the shit that goes on between girls is really immature. I can't stand perfect people.. like people that want everything perfect. i mean i love the people but damn, why r they trying hard to make sure everything rides perfectly on the tracks. If we all walked in a straight line there would be absolutely nothing ot laugh at or improve upon. Im crazy i think. When i wake up in the morning, i pull clothes off my floor or closet and after deciding which one III like best. I put it on and who really gives a rats ass about brushing my hair, who cares lol. i dunno some people make sure every line is perfect, every strand is in place and i just don't think i could ever do that, im just too out there in la la land to care. but after a while of people commenting i start noticing it, and again wondering what the fuck the world is coming to. I could write a song now. i can feel it coming up. not like vomit.. like words lol.i think ill call it, out of place. nah thats too stupid lol i dunno. AH my hands are dry. its crazy. i hate it. im tired as fuck