Friday, December 5
Haha msn is being a shit. keeps signing me out and shit, so i can't talk on there right now :(. we got lots and lots of snow. and i have never seen my step dad soo happy, cuz he got to use the snowblower.. and for some odd reason, pry one i dont' wanna know.. he loves that thing. our cat is in massive heat. lacey i know u love to know that considering u like to play with my cat when it likes to hump you. so far it has attacked everyone in this house, but me.. im scared to sleep tonite lol. im allowing jess and ryan to sleep in my bed tonite and im sleeping downstairs... cuz im nice like that. actually my room is fuckin cold tonite, so im just telling them im being nice when really i just want the couch. i can't wait for the show tommorow. its gonna be amazing. ewww my family is lame. i have a car, no license.. so basically im shit out of luck for a ride anywhere lol. dude today i got checked out by a rentway man, and a retard blew me a kiss. literally retarded man.. joey. i went home early cuz my uterus is a bitch and likes to shed its,stuff, really painfully. but the time i was in school i had alot of fun. i got to walk over to the votech with alex.. hes very hot. i told him i wanted to hump him, and he seemed pretty cool with that lol. my mom was stupid and bought me a really awesome jacket that has fur on it that looks like my chinchilla lol. kiki will forever hate me.. oh yes. so back to my day. so i got to see alex... mmm.. and then i got to go to marketing lol where we went on a field trip.. i love my marketing buddies. we got to ride in the big orange van on the way there, it was cool. had a weird odor. but it was cool. there they gave us as much coffee as we wanted adn by the end of that we were all literally spazzing out. so we decided it was mrs smocks turn to deal wtih us lol. so we annoyed her the whole time on the way back and mike and the rest of the tards waved at the stupid people who wake up before 11 when they don't even have to? i mean who does that anyway? ahh im psyched about this show tommorow. maybe i can drag alex into going with me..
Wednesday, December 3
today was a pretty cool day. you know what i realized. i realized that it makes me feel really good when tom dempsey(sorry bout spelling that wrong tom) tells me im sexy and how beautiful i am. cuz i sometimes i doubt myself.. me and destany are just chillin eating rice and listening to ac/dc. p-nut u are amazing guy. hopefully sometime i can look in ur eyes and see what u see in me.. cuz last time i had teary eyes from someone lol. *TACKLE HUG* man guys im raggin it, and my belly is soo cramped up i could scream. i decided that i am actually happy today.. which is rare lately. maybe its cuz i finally started my period and pmsing blows. dude marketing blows cuz these two kids like make out in the display cases and its just sad lol. OUCHHHHHH cat just attacked my ass! i felt bad for lacey today cuz her face hurts.. i know it kills us too but it was hurting her too lol. oopsy i just remembered that i have bunnies lol. that blows. they just might be dead by now. KImmy got yelled at today hahaha kimmy. loser CHRISTMAS SHOWS ARE ON AND IM MISSING THEM. im outta here
Tuesday, December 2
ok so troy says i shoudl write something positive. so here i am laughing my ass off with stephanie, remembering our good old friend nates wonderful fall. lol so we were all sitting in the hot tub. well steph and nate and lacey were all wrestling around while me and tim just sat there staring at each other, wondering when it would end. and steph splashed nate in the face.. harsh i know lol. and nate "stomps" out of a hot tub .. which is hard enough u know since its water... but it i forget to mention that it had been snowing since we got there and the snow and the water we splashed out had made a lovely falling place for nate. so he gets to the second step and all u here is AGHJFKDHJfkhjkajhfkj. *nate noise* and nate casually gets up and stomps up to his room. then when he finally decided to come in, he said he fell on purpose "who randomly falls anyway" lol . i love christmas songs. they are soo happy and full of cheer. today i made ramon noodles and ate them with pete while stephanie the whore fell out of my computer chair 60 times. steph says i finally have some color back in my face. that could be cuz i was hanging upside down trying to fix the tree, but u know... whatever. lol im happy just knowing she thinks im happy lol. when i actually am slightly happy. troy and i talked a few things out, though we really haven't talked since he woke up. wow, i zoned for a min thinking about the christmas song in the background. stupid destany lost her hanson christmas cd. hahahahahahahahahahaha now i keep remembering nates falling. mmm me and steph are both pms'ing so u can imagine the love for chocolate in this room right now. lol
i love this song... mad world. its amazing. im feeling alittle better. im happy i didn't go to school cuz im just not in the mood to deal with people. my mom was sweet and let me put up the christmas tree, which makes me alot happier. its snowing too and its looks so beautiful. i look horrible, my eyes are so swelled and red. i keep having such bad dreams when i do finally fall asleep. last nite i had a dream iraq took over and those bastards stuck us in lines and killed us! this song makes me way too emotional "hows it gonna be" the words just fit soo well with the way i felt as me and troy argued about everything
I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore,
Before you take a swing, I wonder what are we fighting for,
When I say out loud, I want to get out of this, I wonder,
Is there anything I'm going to miss, I wonder
How's it going to be, When you don't know me,
How's it going to be, When you're sure I'm not there,
How's it going to be, When there is no one there to talk to,
Between you and me, 'Cause I don't care,
How's it going to be,
How's it going to be,
Where we used to laugh, There's a shouting match,
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch,
A silence I can't ignore,
Like . . The hammock by the doorway we spent time in, Swing empty,
don't see lightning like last fall when it was always about to hit me, I wonder
How's it going to be, When it goes down,
How's it going to be, When you're not around,
How's it going to be, When you find out there was nothing,
Between you and me, 'Cause I don't care,
How's it going to be,
How's it going to be
When you don't know me, any more
And How's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again,
The soft dive of oblivion.
Want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion, oblivion
im so confused.. troy i still love you
I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore,
Before you take a swing, I wonder what are we fighting for,
When I say out loud, I want to get out of this, I wonder,
Is there anything I'm going to miss, I wonder
How's it going to be, When you don't know me,
How's it going to be, When you're sure I'm not there,
How's it going to be, When there is no one there to talk to,
Between you and me, 'Cause I don't care,
How's it going to be,
How's it going to be,
Where we used to laugh, There's a shouting match,
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch,
A silence I can't ignore,
Like . . The hammock by the doorway we spent time in, Swing empty,
don't see lightning like last fall when it was always about to hit me, I wonder
How's it going to be, When it goes down,
How's it going to be, When you're not around,
How's it going to be, When you find out there was nothing,
Between you and me, 'Cause I don't care,
How's it going to be,
How's it going to be
When you don't know me, any more
And How's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again,
The soft dive of oblivion.
Want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion, oblivion
im so confused.. troy i still love you
Monday, December 1
im not happy... at all. which isn't surprising, its normal for the world to take a big shit on me. i feel like screaming at anything and everything and making my mind diferent. i hate everything about my mind.. i care too much or i dont' care at all. theres no in between. im either down or completely happy. And now i feel like i have once again dragged troy into this shit that i go through. like he wants to know what i do when im angry. or why im the way i am. i feel like hes slipping away cuz of me.. and only me. im such a bitch and push him away. im too jealous.. yea him and jill were rolling around having a snowball fight but thats not reason to be jealous... only i was. grr.i mean come on! im crazy. im not pretty enough to find someone that isn't gonna be all closed up and hate me! yea troy maybe u haven't got any from me, but i dont' wannna give any to you right now. i don't love myself how can someone love me? why isn't kisses enough right now? i can break away from a kiss, but anymore then that and im attached. i don't want to depend on troy. i don't want to cry myself to sleep if he doesn't say he loves me.and most of all i dont' wanna doubt that he wants to be with me. AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhAHHHHHHHhh life blows
